Oh Billy, what will we do with thee?
by awwpeas
Summary: Sam is about to fail yet another english test, so Carly decides to get serious and *gasp* cut off her ham supply. What's a girl to do? Turn to Freddie, of course. Seddie, obviously ...rated T just to be safe?


Disclaimer- Last time I checked, I most definitely am not Dan Schneider, nor do I intend to pretend that I am.

A/N this is obviously a seddie, so if you don't like the ship don't read it. also. i'm sorta new to the whole fanfiction thing (Well, the writing bit at least). so no harsh words please :]

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Contrary to popular belief, I'm not stupid. Sam Puckett may be a lot of things, but stupid is definitely not on that list.

Sure, I might not do so well in school, but that's pure laziness. I already know the majority of what they're teaching anyway, so why waste time in class when I'm not learning anything new anyway?

Well, I suppose I'm not doing so well in English…but that's only this Shakespeare section. I have no clue why _The Taming Of The Shrew_ is important to my life. I mean, if I'm gonna have to take a test on it, why can't I just watch Ten Things I Hate About You and be done with it? But no. Apparently delving into the inner workings of old Billy's mind is a necessary part of adolescence, and it can't just merely be skimmed by watching the watered down pop-culture version. FML.

Last time I failed a test, Carly warned me I wouldn't be allowed to sleep over her house if I got another F. Taking that into consideration, I don't think she'd let the inevitable failure of my English test slide. But, I mean, It's worth a shot to ask.

"No."

Damn.

"But whyyyy?? Carly please cut me some slack! I've been doing so well and I just KNOW that I'm not going to do well. I've been studying this stuff as hard as I can, but it just doesn't click, ya know?"

Plead as I might, I know that the look on her face means I have no chance of mercy.

"Sam…" Wait? She looks like she's softening up a bit. Maybe there's the slightest possibility…

"...If you know you're not going to do well, get a tutor." Well, I interpreted that face wrong.

"Carly. Who on Earth would want to tutor ME?! On the unfortunate subject of Shakespeare, no less? Even you have trouble with this section. Come on, pleaseeee be nice to me Carly Shay, best friend in the entire world" I tried to put on my best puppy dog face, but _still_ she wouldn't budge.

"True…but I know of someone who understands Shakespeare better than anyone else in our class. And I'm positive he would want to help you out, seeing as he's the only one who ever stands up to you."

And at this, I know exactly who she's talking about. The nub of all nubs, the techiest, weinie-est tech-weinie I know.

Fredweird.

"Bu…"

"Sam, I know what you'll say, but you really need the help. Especially if you like the ham in my fridge to still be available to you."

"Fine, but it's only because I refuse to live at my own house until the next test I take. And you owe me a smoothie."

"But isn't the reward getting to stay at my house…?"

"Oh, Carly. Simple, simple Carly. This is Freduccini Alweirdo we're talking about. I'm gonna need a little more positive reinforcement if you think I'm gonna go through with it."

"Fine, you'll get your smoothie. But ONLY once you pass the test."

"But I want one now! Plus, if you think about it logically, the reward for passing is staying at your house and free ham. The compensation for being with Freddifer is the smoothie, and I want that now" Carly was giving me the most disbelieving look in the world. "…well, you know. So I can have energy and be more attentive when I'm trying my hardest not to punch him in the face after hearing his nub voice for too long?"

"Blahh! Sam! Fine get your smoothie now and then we're going straight to Freddies."

"Awesomesauce!"

And with that, we headed out towards our destination. The closer we got to Bushwell Plaza, the more I couldn't ignore the flips that my stomach had taken to doing. It's giving me an unrecognizable feeling in my gut. I know I'm going to be sitting with Fredward for several hours…so it must be dread. It has to be, I mean, being alone with the nub AND discussing Shakespeare? I don't even know which is the lesser of two evils.

Finally, we arrive at the dork's domain. Carly knocks on the door and the second it opens to reveal the nerd himself, I find myself blushing. Well, _that's_ definitely not a symptom associated with dread. Embarrassment? Yeah. That would explain the flippy-floppiness in the belly region _and _the uncontrollable reddening of my face. I just didn't want him to be all smug that I'm practically groveling at his feet, begging for help with this nonsense. That makes sense, right?

Because I'm so immersed in my own thoughts, I missed half the conversation. I snapped back to reality suddenly as the door slammed shut. I blinked, confused.

"Uhm, Sam? Do you want to sit?"

Oh. Freddie had already sat down and I was still lost in my mind. Focus, Puckett. I looked back at him, just to see that signature smirk looking back at me. I shook my head and sat down next to the dweeb.

"Okay, dipthong, tell me what I need to know so I can high-tail it out of here and put us both out of our misery." But even as I said it, I realized that I didn't really want to rush the situation and leave. What can I say? I have a thing for extremely comfortable couches, and this one was in my top 3 (even though it did have a nerd attached to it).

"Whatever Sam. I'm not the one who needs help. So first off…which play are we re-enacting?"

"Re-enacting? Who said anything about re-enactment?! I just have to understand it for the test, Benson. No acting necessary, even of the 're-en' genre."

"Do you want my help with Shakespeare or not?"

"I do, but no one ever mentioned anything about acting it out."

"But these plays were meant to be acted out. That's how you understand them fully."

"By all means, go ahead and perform for me. I'll watch. But there's no way in Ham's name that I am going to be acting out anything."

"Fine, it's your grade and your _free ham_"

"UGHH, fine. But I am not going to be enthusiastic about anything."

"Perfect." There was that smirk again.

And more blushing and flipping of the intestines! Me having to act is not helping with this embarrassment situation…

"Okay, so we can just read through some of the important passages, just to get the main idea of the story. Which play is it again?"

"The Taming of the Shrew"

"How appropriate."

He earned a punch in the gut for that one, but he seemed to have expected it, and even…dare I say…enjoyed it?

"Alright. Obviously you're Kate. I guess that makes me Petruchio." He opened up my book to a certain page and told me to just follow along."

"Come, come, come, you wasp, I'faith you are too angry…Sam? Go…" Oh, whoops.

"Oh, right. Uhm… If I be waspish, best beware my sting"

"My remedy is then to pluck it out"

"Ay, if the fool could find where it lies"

"Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail"

"In his tongue…Wait. No. That's wrong."

"Excuse me? Sam, this is Shakespeare. It's not wrong."

"Okay…but everyone knows that wasps have their stingers in their tails."

"Sam! Stop thinking so literally! It's not a real wasp…it's a metaphor. You know, because she's so wasp-ish? She uses words to hurt people, so her 'stinger' is her tongue? Get it?"

"Yes, but then why is Petruchio so intent on saying it's her tail?"

"Itsasexualinnuendo… can we move on now?"

"It's a what?" He felt so uncomfortable right now, I just couldn't resist the urge to make him squirm.

"You heard me Sam. Now, anyway. Whose tongue?"

"Ugh, fine. Yours, if you talk of tales, and so farewell."

"What, with my tongue in your tail?"

…

Awkward silence. Probably shouldn't have pressed that's sexual reference too much. I didn't exactly know what to say next; I didn't trust my mouth. Especially because, minus the sex thing (ew), Kate and this Petruchio character reminded me a lot of me and the nub. Thank God Fredward broke the tension.

"Uhm, why don't we move on to another passage? Okay, this is a turning point in the play. Here you go…" He passed me the book and pointed at where I was apparently supposed to start reading.

"Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper, thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee and for thy maintenance commits his body to painful labour both by sea and land, to watch the night in storms, the day in cold, whilst thou liest warm at home, secure and safe; and craves no other tribute at thy hands but love, fair looks and true obedience too little payment for so great a debt. Such duty as the subject owes the prince even such a woman oweth to her husband."

The moment after I finished Kate's monologue, I looked into Freddie's eyes. He was looking at me with such intensity that it scared me a little bit. He must be really in character. I was just about to comment on how serious he was being about this whole stupid thing, but I never got the chance.

"Why there's a wench! Come on, and kiss me, Sam."

The shock that I was plainly experiencing was mirrored on my tutor's face. I had no clue what was going on in his mind, but in that instant, I understood everything. The blushing, the butterflies, hell, even all the torment. It was never embarrassment. It was because I liked the nub. I always had a soft spot for him (why else would I keep him around for so long?), and we _did_ share our first kiss, but I had never actually thought about him as more than the tech-weinie who was a constant in my life. I don't know when or where or even how I could've changed my feelings for the dorkwad, but they obviously had. I guess the lines between hate and love are severely blurred, because last I checked Fredweird was at the top of my hit-list and now im ready to declare my love for the kid.

I was still staring at him, not even paying attention to what he was saying (back-tracking, I'm sure). I had no clue what to do with this new epiphany, and I couldn't think properly with him babbling about nonsense.

"Oh my God, Freddie! Just shut up!"

"Excuse m..oh!" and the next thing I know, I'm on top of him, kissing him with all that was in me. I really did need him to stop talking, and this was the only thing I could think of that might actually work. But once he started kissing back, all I could think of was how I didn't want it to stop. My hands found their way to the back of his neck and up into his hair, just as I felt his graze the small amount of skin on my waist where my shirt rose up a bit.

After an eternity (was it just a few minutes? Damn.), we both needed air. We just sat there, chests heaving unevenly.

"Well, Shakespeare definitely had one thing wrong."

Freddie looked at me with a puzzled expression.

"What? Shakespeare didn't have anything wrong…what are you talking about?"

"No, he did. Because, of all things living, a man is SO not the worst."

Freddie laughed. What else could he do at that point? And his laughter was contagious, so in a minute we were rolling around on the floor, gasping for air because we were laughing so hard. Gradually, we both stopped, and Freddie looked into my eyes and tucked a fly-away piece of hair behind my ear.

I couldn't breathe as he stared at me, and then he whispered:

"I burn, I pine, I perish"

And with that, we both leaned in, without any hesitation, for our third (and most certainly not our last) kiss.

I don't think I'll ever call Shakespeare stupid again.

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A/N - okay, so this was my first fanfic ever. no hatin, por favorrrr :] but please give me some feedback. sound good? awesomesauce.


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